2011, The Year of the Mommy

Today is the first day of a new year, and as always, it's impossible to not reflect on the previous year. All my reflections seem to have the same topic though---motherhood. 2011 was my first year as a stay-at-home mother. There were many times during Maggie's infancy when I felt as though staying at home would make things easier---when she was sick (which felt as though it was all the time), when it seemed I couldn't catch-up on anything, when we wrote those ridiculously large tuition checks each month for childcare, when we'd participate in community activities and I'd realize I was the only working mother...it seemed to pop into my head all the time.
When Zac and I decided to move to Moscow it wasn't just about a new job, or school, it was about a new way of life. A chance to try living a different way, a simpler way. We wanted to spend more time with each other and less time commuting, and I wanted to experience a different kind of motherhood, the stay-at-home kind. With the impending arrival of our second child I jumped full-in to those first 6 months of just being a mommy with Maggie.
Maggie and I had a least one thing to do in the community each day, we played babies, we explored creative materials, we read, we played at the park, we cooked together, we even cleaned together...well, you all probably read about it on her blog, but we did A LOT! Then River arrived and all of a sudden I was fitting in all those things with the incredible task of caring for an infant. And I have to add here that a simple life, isn't always an easier one. When you walk everywhere instead of driving it takes more time, when you use cloth diapers you do laundry every day, when you carry your baby or wear your baby you are constantly juggling how to sit, how to hold items, how to move...I've never questioned why I do these things. I know why I do it. What I didn't know is that being a stay-at-home mother isn't much different than being a working mother.

Maybe this sounds crazy, but after an entire year of being a stay-at-home mother I still have the same challenges...am I getting enough quality time with my children? Sometimes when you are physically with your children all the time you realize that you really weren't "with them" at all. Trust me, physical presence does not make for an engaged parent.  How do I get all the housework done? When you are at home all day you have more dishes, more laundry, more clean-up. Am I staying on top of developments in my field so that when I return to work I won't be "outdated?" How do I even find the time to think about anything else. I have no idea how I even fit in contract work and one semester of graduate school. When do I do something for myself? Before I felt guilty for taking that time, now that time doesn't even exist.

It's incredible really...the same challenges exist, they just look a little different. Of course there are positives on each side as well. Staying at home my children are healthier, breastfeeding a child through an intolerance is actually working out this time, getting out each day to move our bodies and get fresh air is a normal and necessary daily routine. I have literally observed every single moment of River's development over his first six months of life.
When I was working we had a consistent routine, I was a more consistent parent. I really believe I had more quality time with Maggie, we spent less time worrying about money, I wasn't solely responsible for the growth and development of my child, I knew how to function away from my child!

My guess is that there is no right answer for any mother really. I suppose that's why the Mommy Wars exist. So as I embark on this new year of motherhood I'll continue to try and find my own mommy balance.

And well, with that long cerebral post, I'll just add a Happy New Year!

Comments welcome.

Sincerely,
The Mommy